“movie” “review”: Dragons: Fire & Ice

As part of a brand-new series I’m calling “I watch shitty movies at 2am so you don’t have to,” Gracetopia is proud to bring you our review of Dragons: Fire & Ice.

I don’t know how this movie ended up in my Netflix queue. I don’t know what mood I was in when I thought this would be a good idea. Seriously:

[Animated] A bitter feud between the Norvagen and the Daigon has been blazing for centuries, though no one remembers why. The peaceful times of the enlightened dragons and their Crystals of Power are no more, as the dragons have vanished and taken all serenity with them. In an effort to restore harmony to the land, prince Dev of the Norvagan and princess Dyra of the Draigon team up as an improbable pair to fight the forces that only they can conquer.

But now it’s here and I’m going to watch it. So you don’t have to.

I’m going to do something of a play-by-play on twitter (which will be in the past by the time you read this bwahaha) and I’m going to jot down thoughts here as well. I apologize in advance for any rambling, incoherence, etc. It is 2am.

AND HERE WE GO.

You know those videos people post on youtube where they make videogame characters dance around to songs like “Boba the Fett” or “Thriller?” That is what the scenes from this menu screen looks like. This does not bode well.

Hmmm okay so we started with a voiceover about dragons, and the Dragonworld, and crystals (+ one special crystal with a name that sounds like “decepticon”) and A GREAT BETRAYAL and a dragon queen is dead. I am not entirely clear on the details. The voiceover was quite growly and dramatic.

Seriously I was playing computer games when I was ten with better animation than this. And Dragons: Fire & Ice is from 2004.

Ah-ha, now we have a little blond prince and a little dark-haired princess. I PREDICT THAT THEY WILL JOIN FORCES AND SAVE THE WORLD. Partly because I just read it in the description. OH NO THEY’RE BOTH ON DRAGONS NOW what if they run into each other? THERE ARE NO TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN THE SKY.

Aw, the little prince and princess are all grown up. The prince is whiny and blond. The princess is whiny and brunette. Goodness so much whining. They’re perfect for each other. I wish them lots of chubby whiny children.

Okay, the prince really needs to stop saying “I will come in/Go in fast and hard.” My adolescent mind can’t handle it.

Hokay, really, I feel like I am watching someone play a 10-year-old video game. I appreciate Pixar so much more now.

GUYS THE TWO ENEMY KINGS HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY EVIL DRAGONS. Now the prince and princess must BAND TOGETHER and SAVE THEM. As an aside, has anyone noticed that I use more CAPS when I am tired?

Prince quote of the moment, “Uh, yeah, he’s a wizard, duh.” Such elegant language for a princeling.

Okay, I got distracted. They met a wizard and fought a dragon, but it turned out the dragon is “good” and the wise old wizard is actually a bad guy. Shocking twist, I know. Oh, and now the dragon is explaining plot things that… are maybe important?

WAIT! The Orethon (?) is IN the prince and princess! I do not know what this means but it seems important. It sounds like a disease.

I zoned out again. Now it appears that the sky is falling in. Also a herd of gray dragons that look almost exactly like the monkey warriors from The Wizard of Oz. From afar.

And there are 20 minutes left. What. Help.

Reading reviews on Netflix indicates that there are toys that go along with this movie, and that possibly the toys were first. This would explain quite a bit, really.

Ooh the bad guy just made a dragon skeleton thing out of ice, and it’s actually almost pretty. First thing about this movie that seems even a bit impressive.

OH THANK GOD IT’S OVER. It ended with the bad guy shaking his fist (weren’t they supposed to kill him?) and saying “It’s not OVER!” but actually I think it is. Don’t anyone feel a need to point me towards the sequel.

So basically I think this movie was made for pre-adolescent boys whose mothers told them they had to cap their video game time. Because this seems to my untrained eye to be exactly like playing a video game, except with less plot.

Ta-da! I have watched Dragons: Fire & Ice so you don’t have to—not that you were planning to anyway, probably.

Good night!

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